Hello friends, it's been a while.
I'm glad to be sitting here writing again, after nearly two months away.
Just to catch you up on some of the reasons for my extended (and unexpected) absence, here's what I've been up to:
Got to visit family back in Illinois for the first time since before the pandemic. Family got to meet my 2 year old daughter for the first time.
Came back and became sick with Covid and it absolutely ransacked our household. First partner, then me and baby. Was sick or working with sickness for two weeks.
Started feeling better, then family got sick again, this time a much milder one, head cold maybe, Idk?
Watched a great show called Invasion with my partner, realized it was incredibly triggering for me due to the Trauma I'm working with, came to the unpleasant but relieving realization that I *am* a person with Trauma and need to accept the lifestyle changes it requires for me to not make things harder on myself.
Fell into a depressive episode that's lasted over a month, accepted I'll need to avoid *some* heavier subject matter when I can, and must maintain my mindfulness and self-care practices above all else.
Started waking back up out of the depressive episode and began immersing myself back into my mindfulness practices and learning about learning, among other things.
There's a lot contained within those bullet points and I may end up elaborating later if you're curious or interested, but for now I just wanted to share them because it felt right to do so.
Getting out of a Funk
Now that I've given you the quick update, I thought I'd take the time to share briefly what getting out of a funk (or depressive episode) looks like for me, after around 7 years of mindfulness practices and mental health focused habits.
First things first, I always go back to S.H.A.D.E.S.
This is an acronym I created back in 2017 or 2018 when I was still doing dedicated mental health streams and speaking publicly about my struggles with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, insomnia, anger, etc.
I spent a large portion of my life battling severe depression, and when I finally came out of it for the first time in what felt like my entire life, I took the time to sit and analyze which habits and lifestyle changes made the biggest impact on my mind and life. (Here are a couple of the recordings from previous talks.)
What I narrowed the list down to, was S.H.A.D.E.S.
It stands for:
Sleep - prioritizing quality sleep habits / hygiene
Hydration - getting an appropriate amount of water for my body
Air - making sure I'm going outside & getting fresh air
Diet - not dietING, mindful examination of my diet
Exercise - no specific format, just getting the physical activity necessary for my body's needs
Stillness - meditation, journaling, mindful practices
I'm going to revisit these in a bit, but first I wanted to address some of the challenges related to self-care I faced this time around.
Can't change what you can't see
My daily notes template in Obsidian includes checkboxes for me to keep up with my habits related to S.H.A.D.E.S, which is useful for my typical daily life. It helps me remember to keep up with each of those habits to the best of my ability because I'm prompted each morning when I open Obsidian.
The challenge I faced during this latest depressive episode was: I didn't open Obsidian. I had very little energy to do anything aside from survive the days and try to be a fun and loving parent to my daughter. When I had downtime, I mostly slept. I would often sit to meditate and find myself so restless that I'd pop up within a few minutes and go clean something instead. It was easily justified but not as helpful as I had hoped.
One of the beautiful aspects of mindfulness and meditation practice is it's not just beneficial in the moment you're able to actually sit for a solid meditation. It's beneficial for the days when you don't, as well. It really seems to plant the seed for awakening, and create little cues that help me wake back up to the spaciousness that comes with assuming the role of the witness.
At some point during the depressive episode, I had a moment to myself and I sat outside to breathe. I felt myself kinda come back online, so to speak, and check in. "What am I feeling?" "Why am I struggling to sit still?" "Why can't I get myself to do the things I love to do?"
The questions opened up the space for the answer I needed "I'm experiencing depression. I can see it now."
Then, mindfulness practice kicked in, and I explored the felt-sense of my experience in that moment and in many low moments after. I took notes on what this most recent episode felt like for me, and it helped clue me in to what was happening, which gave me the space to do something incredibly useful: ask myself what I needed.
That's where S.H.A.D.E.S. came back in.
S.H.A.D.E.S. for Self-Care
As I mentioned previously, S.H.A.D.E.S. stands for Sleep, Hydration, Air, Diet, Exercise and Stillness. These are meant to be opportunities for introspection, not a rigid rule set to follow and shame yourself for if you don't meet perfectionist expectations.
When I'm struggling, or when I'm just checking in, these are some of the questions I ask myself about each of these habits:
Sleep - How am I doing lately with sleep? Have I been going to sleep and waking up at consistent times? Do I feel well rested most days? Am I hitting the snooze button more often? Have I been consistent with my wind-down routine?
Hydration - Have I been staying hydrated consistently? Am I noticing signs that I'm not keeping up with this as well, like through dry skin, fatigue or headaches? When's the last time I cleaned my reusable water bottle?
Air - When is the last time I went outside? Did I move my body at all and go for a walk or just sit? Have I been consistent in getting outside time, or time near green spaces lately?
Diet - What have I been eating lately and how have I been feeling? Do I tend to feel overly full and tired after eating, or energized? Do I think I've been doing well at introducing a variety of nutrients into my diet? Have I been eating emotionally at all? Have I been eating mindfully or rushing through it? Is there something I need to cut back on? Is there something I need to add?
Exercise - What kind of movement have I offered my body lately? Have I been stretching often? Have I gotten my heart rate up at all? Does my body feel sluggish and achy? Do I feel strong? Do I feel capable of running after my daughter or playing in a more high energy way? Have I hit the gym recently?
Stillness - What has my mindfulness practice looked like lately? Have I offered myself any space for stillness? Have I been meditating consistently? Have I been journaling? What other forms of stillness feel refreshing to me, and have I done any of those lately?
The answers to those questions will tell me what adjustments need to be made, and then I simply try my best to make those adjustments and check back in again the next day or week or whenever I'm able. It's important to remember we'll never get these habits perfect and that isn't the goal. There are far too many variables to consider and work with and life will be constantly changing around us.
I'm not trying to establish routines that can't be deviated from. I typically use a sort of 80/20 rule for planning out my weeks, where I do my best to make the majority of my habits be ones that are healthy or supportive of my needs and desires, and give myself permission to fuck around with the remaining time. It tends to result in solid habits and routines during the week and a lot more flexibility over the weekends.
Sometimes I use this idea to turn a day around if I've been feeling a bit yucky, I'll evaluate some of the choices I've made that day, designate whether they're supportive of my goals for my health and life or not, and then decide if I should offer myself a break or if I could benefit from being more intentional for the rest of the day.
For example: if I realize I've been eating mostly junk food and snacks the majority of the day, and I now feel like crap, instead of shaming myself, I'll just course-correct by reintroducing more health-focused meals and habits for the rest of the day.
Lessons from Depression
Now that I'm turning the corner and feeling more like myself again, I've been able to evaluate some of the notes I made while depressed and some of the things I learned from this recent experience.
One of the things that became abundantly clear (and is referenced slightly above) is that I need to stop creating such rigid structures in my life. No one is grading me on performance. No one is judging my parenting (at least no one I'm concerned with). If I want to have a day where we eat chicken tendies on the couch while watching Moana, it's ok.
There are so many arbitrary rules in my life that I follow religiously without even noticing sometimes. It's genuinely silly and also incredibly frustrating.
Another area of life where this rears its ugly head is in my work. Consistency is constantly harped on as being one of the most important aspects of content creation. There's validity there, to be sure, it's definitely important. However, this idea has dug itself so deep I find myself starting new projects with a certain structure and then feeling completely locked into those structures. This newsletter is a great example of that.
It was fun to create the basic outline of what I wanted people to be able to expect from these posts, but when I found myself dreading writing on some days because I wanted to do something different that didn't fit the outline, it made it harder to do anything.
What I really wanted to do, was write. I wanted to write about what I was interested in and excited about. I became convinced I had to tell people what to expect from me in explicit detail and then never deviate, or else I'd be risking losing their attention or support.
The frustrating thing is, when I follow the things I'm genuinely excited about without forcing anything, that seems to be when I'm able to connect more deeply with others while having fun.
So here we are. Ending this newsletter that didn't follow the formats of the previous ones, by telling you I'm done with it. I'm done with the rigid structures. I'm done with forcing myself to maintain a specific kind of consistency. I'm going back to curiosity and exploration (again).
The posts you'll see here will vary. The way they're structured will vary.
I hope you'll find them useful.
Blessings, sweet, sweet babies.
May you all have wonderful days and incredible sandwiches.
- Jessica / Snaps